Private Post ~ Warded

Well, and it was quite the weekend. I'm frankly surprised we survived it in one piece, but we not only survived, we're better. I feel like Atlas after having been relieved of his burden and I think Bill feels the same. He looks younger. Happier. I'm so glad he does, but at the same time it makes me sad that I added age, and weight to his shoulders. That I hurt him, and most of all that he couldn't tell me. That when he tried, I didn't listen.

Anne was... Anne. And Mother was just as I'd expected. Bill was right, I should have warned him, but I didn't know how. How could I explain Mary Wood to a man whose mum is Molly Weasley? And I honestly thought Anne would behave herself in front of Bill. I expected snide comments, or to have her corner me somewhere again alone to take another shot.

I hate that she thinks she needs to be so mean. That Bill had to listen to her venom.

That's what I regret the most. That Bill was subjected to what passed for my family for so many years. I think he thinks I'm ashamed of him, which couldn't be further from the truth. I should have been more tactful, or careful, when I said I wished I hadn't taken him there. I think he thinks Mother has a bad opinion of Weasleys, from what Ron said. She doesn't, it's just the way she is. Heh. I guess that it would be more accurate to say that she has a bad opinion of everyone. It's not just Weasleys. I think the fact that he's taken up with me, that he defended me, had a far more lowering effect on her opinion of him than anything else he could have said or done. I know she loves me, but she's certainly never liked me much. She never defended me the way Bill did, and she knew what Anne was doing. Most of the time, she was there for it.

But now I have Bill, and he has me, and we'll be each other's family. Not that he needs more family, but he's got me anyway. Ron even noticed. Called me his brother-in-law. After breaking my nose, but still. He said it. And it was Ron that said it! He never was terribly observant, was he? I was so angry with him, and now I know I owe him more than I could hope to repay. Not that I plan to say so, at least not for awhile. Let him stew, if he will. It bloody hurt when he hit me.

He's got a wicked jab, that lad. Got me good, and had me fuming and I took it out on Bill when he got home from work. Had a wicked bad fight with him, and damn. When he lets go, he really lets go. Said so many things that I hadn't heard, and hadn't known and would never have suspected. I hurt him so badly. I don't know how I'll ever make it up to him.

But we're okay. Not just going to be, but really are. And if we end up never married, it will be okay. I want to bind myself to him magically, legally, but I realised that we're bound much more fundamentally. Heart and soul, we belong to each other forever. Bill's right, we'll almost certainly fight about other things in the future, but we're solid now, and the rest is just details.

Private Post ~ Warded

He's buying, I mean, we are buying the house! Together! I couldn't believe it, when he said. It felt like home, the second we walked in, and the grounds are fantastic. It's close to town, there're charms and such we'll have to do, but there're places fairly close to fly, up in the mountains. Expect we'll need an elf for while we're at school, but we have a home. We have a home, somewhere to go on breaks and for summer that's ours. Somewhere to live once we're done working. It's the perfect place to grow old together.

I can't wipe the stupid grin off my face, can't stop poking into every nook and cranny over and over. I never have been so happy in all my life. Things just keep getting better, and it's bloody wonderful.

I need to get a place for us in Egypt, though, somewhere we can holiday that's ours, too. Somewhere Bill will feel just as much at home as I do here. The real trick will be doing it without letting on, because I want to surprise him. He's given me so much, given me everything. I have a need to see him happy, to give him anything he wants, but he only seems to want me.

Private Post ~ Warded

It's so beautiful here. It already feels like home, moreso than anywhere else ever has. Not that I've had that much experience with home, not with travelling so much with the team for so many years. I don't honestly know if it's the house and the beautiful land and the feeling here and the fact that it's the wilds of Scotland which has always been the home of my heart, or if it's Bill.

Bill, who is my heart now.

It's more than his body, which makes me hot and cold all at once and always makes me shiver. I can't believe he's mine. The way his lips quirk when he's teasing, before he really laughs. The way his eyes light up when he does. The way his face lights up when he sees me. He really loves me. I never thought I'd have this, never thought I'd find someone who was so much the other half of my soul, because I never knew how empty I really was until he filled me.

And god. How inexcusably cheesy is that? But it's true, and really, it's okay. Because as fiercely as I love him, he loves me back just as much. He's exactly what I needed without knowing it, and I think I'm just what he needs, too. We'll be together for the rest of our lives.

Have to admit, though - I wish we could spend it here.
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Private Entry ~ Warded

I'm dying. Or maybe I just wish I would. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much, to ache so fucking much just because he's not there. I can't sleep without him. There are nine spots in the bed curtains that are worn enough to see light through. Not that the dark makes any difference. There are six cracks in the ceiling between my bed and the window, and a spiderweb at the top corner of that window. I think I heard the staircases move last night. It's so quiet without Bill breathing next to me.

Percy didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Do I love Bill enough to get past this? Or is it going to be between us for the rest of our lives, together or not? Is he the man I thought he was, if he could live that for so long?

I don't understand it at all. I don't know if it would be better or worse if I'd had a brother. Would I have some empathy for them if I had, or be even more disgusted?

He loves me. He really does. I didn't think he could, not if he thought what he had with Charlie was love. I know he thinks he loves Charlie, and I guess he does in some way, but I can't understand a love that results in someone taking advantage of the hero worship of a younger brother like that. I sort of think he's starting to realise that it was the wrong sort of love. It was so hard to walk to away from him Sunday. It was even harder to see him in pain. To know I could make him happy again, and not do it. I had to go before I gave in, and I wasn't ready then. I don't think I'm ready now, but I don't know how much longer I can stand to be without him.

I guess that's what it comes down to, really. I'll never understand, and it will probably always be between us. But he's the other half of my soul. I had no idea he'd become my reason for everything until he wasn't here, and now I don't even want to get out of bed any more to face another day alone.

Private Post - Warded

I just melt every time he calls me baby, and it's a fight not to gibber all over him for it.

Yeah. He's not going to want me any more if I keep being an utter girl about things like this. I can't help it, but I don't think he's noticed. I hope.

Private Post ~ Warded

Well, I'm not good at writing, no matter what Percy thinks, and I don't do it often because I really don't have much to say to myself. I mean, that's what a private journal is for, yeah?

Only there's no one else I can really talk to about this. I'm not even sure it needs talking about but I have to get it out somewhere. Percy thinks it's a fetish and I suppose it could be, but it's hardly my fault his family's amazing. And he's having a struggle of his own, I can't really dump this on him. Besides, it's his brothers, I can't quite bring myself to talk about shagging Charlie and Bill with Percy. It's awkward.

But it's not just shagging with Bill. It's - well. Dunno what it is, but he makes me laugh. He talks to me, and seems to like doing it. Charlie was my mate, and a good one, but he never seemed to think I had a brain of my own. He didn't want to go flying with me, didn't plan a trip for us, didn't ever seem to want to even have a meal with me. I'm starting to think I was two people with Charlie, Oliver his mate, and Ollie his fuck, and never the twain shall meet. I didn't see it until I had something else to compare it to. And I'm starting to realise I was only ever the fuck to everyone else I've shagged. Well, the famous fuck. Not that there were all that many, but there was no one who didn't see the quidditch player instead of me.

And god, doesn't that reek of self-pity?

I'm really not bitter. I had a lot of fun, and enjoyed being fucked, and thought of myself as the quidditch player before all else as well, so who could blame someone else for treating me that way? It wouldn't be enough now, though. Not that they'd want me now, anyway. I'm not famous any more.

Anyway. I can't really talk to Bill about shagging Charlie either. As much as I suspect he'd enjoy the details, it would turn my face red and make me stammer and sound stupid. I mean, it's his brother. His brother who's gone now. I told Percy over and over that I just had a crush on Charlie, that it wasn't really love, but I never believed it before now. Charlie fell off his pedestal with a rather loud thunk and although I am still very fond of him, it's not the same awe I used to feel just thinking about him. Charlie is all heat and flash and fire and oh god, the things he'd do to me. He was amazing in the sack. I want to say that I'd take him back in a heartbeat, but I can't. I wouldn't, not as long as Bill wants me.

Bill can be that flash of fire too, but he likes to make me wait, make me hold on to the edge of control instead of throwing myself immediately over. I never knew sex could be slow and so thorough, that it could destroy me just as completely in a steady burn as it does in a flash fire. Bill talks to me while we fuck, god, he makes me laugh while we fuck. We have fun, even fully clothed.

Not that we stay that way ever. I can't keep my hands off him, and he seems to be the same with me. I wonder if there'll ever be a time when I can see him and not immediately want him naked and pressed against me. I wonder if there'll ever be a time when he won't want me any more.

Dammit, I knew this was a mistake. One day at a time, it's all you can ever do.